Life and its funny little changes

14 years ago, on a day not unlike today.... I was diagnosed with a deadly disease. In that small moment, from one second to the next, my life was changed forever. I suddenly became a fighter. I suddenly became less innocent. I suddenly knew real fear.
One moment, I was living a life without a care in the world. Honking at a bad driver. Yelling at screaming kids. Mad at the lady taking too long to write her check. Then the three words.... " you need chemo" changed it all.
In that moment, I started to live. I saw colors I had never seen. Morning light exploded. Dusk crept into night hood in silent colors. Screaming children became musical chimes. Watching people live their life became a past time, something I could not do, but ached for. It was like standing still in a fast forward film, where everything flew by you, people living, happy, laughing, running, and you were standing. Cemented in. Screaming inside to let me live, too weak to open my mouth.
Tomorrow, someone can look at you and tell you that everything you are, every moment you have lived is no more. In that moment, you will have to stand and join me. You will have to stand and fight. Fight for all your lost dreams. Fight for all your hopes. Fight to live a normal life. You will want to shake the people who fail to see how waking each day is precious. You will want to scream so loud that your voice can not be heard. You will want your whisper of prayers to echo throughout the heavens. In that moment you will become like me.
Life and it's funny little changes. When I became the fighter that you see now, I learned to mantra to myself it will be OK. I learned to mantra my own belief. I learned real hope. I believed if I had to go, that I would leave people smiling and strong. And in that, found strength. Found me. I lost my hair, but I found a new person. I will live every day of my life like its my very last.
And I will beg every one to do the same. To hug the ones you love and tell them why you love them. To tell your person everyday how beautiful they are in case one day your voice can't be heard. To laugh as often and as freely as you can. To eat the things that make your smile. To feel the sun on your face and savor it. To drive with the windows down. To feel your hair whip about you. To wear the Mary Jane shoes to the market. To tattoo your body in things that make you happy. To sing regardless of your voice. To write your heart onto paper. To love as fiercely as you can. To hold tight to you. To get back up after you fall and try again. To not let something as simple as fear stop you. To run to your happiness and if you can't find it, run in the direction you think its in. Stop standing still. Death is still. Life is moving forward... no matter how painful it can be.

Life and its funny little changes taught me that. Today, in spite of that fateful news, I stand before you a Survivor. I am a proud, strong Survivor of Cancer. I won. But, I keep its lessons close to my heart, and can never go back. "Don't tell me that I'm dying...cuz I don't want to know" I hope you all learn from me now..... everyday is the first of the rest of your life.

If you have...then I beg you ... now...
Run wildly.

In the direction of your dreams.

This is for for my fellow fighters, the ones who stand with me, the ones who didn't make the fight, the families who silently stand beside and watch, the friends who shave their heads and hold the basins, and the ONE that gave up her fight for me to live. I live for you June.

I found it.....

I miss my family. I miss how when I am lost and wandering, they circle me in their love and hold me tight. I miss the loud laughter of gatherings, cousins running in and out of the house. I miss arms wrapped around each other and 17 people sprawled out on a bed. I miss how they look at me and all they see is me, the little goofy girl in pigtails and buck teeth. I miss that feeling of pureness that comes with utter acceptance. I miss the love that lies in being called Mija.
I miss my sister. I miss the hysterical laughter that finds its way to us after a cry. I miss laying watching TV together. I miss the innocence of our time together. I miss how she looks at me and only sees the older sister, beautiful and smart. I miss how she understands my pain and my loss. I miss looking at her and seeing perfect ringlets and smiles. I miss her pureness, the whispers of secrets, the sharing of ideas and dreams. I miss her so much that I feel like I could fall apart on a daily basis.
Somedays are really harder to get started than others. Somedays, you can't hear you whisper to yourself to get up and start fresh. Somedays you need to scream it. Somedays the soft drip of the coffee maker can not rustle you up out of the sheets. Somedays, it takes and act of the almighty to get there. Luckily, I find the strength on those days, on those early mornings where I miss my sister more than my heart can hold. On those sleepless nights where I ache for those who are gone from my life. On those dusky days where my family seems light years away. I see a red head peek out and smile to me, holding my hand. I see a brown haired toothless grin rubbing my back as he hugs me tight. All the strength I once had, somehow, I put into my children. And they give it back to me when I need it the most. And in that moment... I found it.