I found it.....

I miss my family. I miss how when I am lost and wandering, they circle me in their love and hold me tight. I miss the loud laughter of gatherings, cousins running in and out of the house. I miss arms wrapped around each other and 17 people sprawled out on a bed. I miss how they look at me and all they see is me, the little goofy girl in pigtails and buck teeth. I miss that feeling of pureness that comes with utter acceptance. I miss the love that lies in being called Mija.
I miss my sister. I miss the hysterical laughter that finds its way to us after a cry. I miss laying watching TV together. I miss the innocence of our time together. I miss how she looks at me and only sees the older sister, beautiful and smart. I miss how she understands my pain and my loss. I miss looking at her and seeing perfect ringlets and smiles. I miss her pureness, the whispers of secrets, the sharing of ideas and dreams. I miss her so much that I feel like I could fall apart on a daily basis.
Somedays are really harder to get started than others. Somedays, you can't hear you whisper to yourself to get up and start fresh. Somedays you need to scream it. Somedays the soft drip of the coffee maker can not rustle you up out of the sheets. Somedays, it takes and act of the almighty to get there. Luckily, I find the strength on those days, on those early mornings where I miss my sister more than my heart can hold. On those sleepless nights where I ache for those who are gone from my life. On those dusky days where my family seems light years away. I see a red head peek out and smile to me, holding my hand. I see a brown haired toothless grin rubbing my back as he hugs me tight. All the strength I once had, somehow, I put into my children. And they give it back to me when I need it the most. And in that moment... I found it.